Friday, March 24, 2006

Inartificial

I found the post below (For Trade: My Breasts For Yours) quite funny. I came across it on a generic joke blog with no name, so I cannot give the writer credit. It caught my eye, since I have breasts that seem to...

Anyway, I don’t want to trade breasts with anyone. I am happy with my shape, but I do agree that they get in the way sometimes. I choose to wear two bras when I go for a run or take an aerobics class. I even wear a bra to bed to keep my pillows firm. Larger breasted women need to concern themselves with the effects of gravity over time, so I only take my bra off to have a hot shower or sex. The rest of the time I like to give my 36 C’s as much support as possible.

Women everywhere seem to be getting implants. I think that they are generally as gaudy as fake nails. Natural femininity is more alluring than 5’ heels and over-the-top big hair and make-up. I think that clean, soft, smooth skin, light make up and a hairstyle that doesn’t require much if any hairspray worn with a pretty, simple dress and sandals is much more appealing. I like to leave the dress-up stuff in the bedroom.

Another thing that I have noticed is that some women with new implants seem to believe that they are not required to wear a bra since their tissue has been pulled so tightly over their new inflations. However, gravity works. Give it a few years and they will be puckered and sagging toward the floor.

If I had small breasts, I wouldn’t have my nipples filled with plastic bags of fluid. Breasts are meant to feed babies, not egos or wallets. I wish women would realize that they are naturally sexy in every size and shape.

JesSwedeHart

For Trade: My Breasts For Yours

Yes, I have large breasts. Not excessively huge, but big, nonetheless. "A fine rack," you may say. "Big hooters." "Baywatch material." "Nicely stacked." "Melons." "Lovely grapefruits." Or my favorite, "TORPEDOES!" Feh.

The fact is, I hate them. Loathe and detest. Despise. I want them off my body and gone! Not only do they give me backaches, but I can't sleep on my stomach. I find it hard to kiss someone, as there's always this "mass" between us. Sex is a bitch. I can no longer jog. My cat actually WALKS down out of the window onto my lap by way of my breasts! Unfortunately, I don't have much lap left. I have a hard time buttoning shirts, since those two buttons at chest-level are stretched tight and constantly break off and the rest are loose. I often find leftovers lingering there. And odd things, like leaves and Post-It notes.

Yeah, you're probably laughing at this point, but it's really NOT FUNNY! (Well, not unless you laugh at the fact that I actually have a T-shirt that my left nipple has *rubbed a hole in* -- not unlike the way guys pumice their jeans to make their dick look bigger and burlier, like it actually wore through their trousers and is about to chase you down the street. I'm not talking a white, faded spot, though; I'm talking an *actual* HOLE in my T-shirt! You know, so my nipple can look out and see the world (and perhaps chase you down the street), thus mocking me even more.)

Guys, how would you like to have balls so big that you couldn't lay on your stomach or see your shoes when standing? Or jog? Or hug someone without them jutting into the other person, forcing you to lean over or else stand several inches away. Wait, stupid question, why did I ask? Forget I said that.

Girls with small(er) breasts, you don't know how lucky you are! Why in the hell would you want to *increase* the size of them?!? Especially with some gelatinous unknown substance in a plastic baggie, blech! Wait, stupid question. Forget I said that. But that's the reason I'm here!

I want to trade my large breasts for your smaller ones! Mine are pasty white, but I don't really care what color yours are, as long as they're comfortable and I can sleep face-down... and reclaim my lap. No reasonable offer refused.

E-mail me now, if you would like to swap.


-Unknown

6 comments:

howard said...

agreed.

I don't think things that are obviously fake blend in well with people's bodies. And I don't understand those who sell cosmetic surgery and augmentation as a way of boosting self-esteem either.

Doesn't adding fake parts kind of bolster the unhealthy notion that you weren't good enough to begin with? I'll take a delightfully imperfect woman any day of the week :)

Gopher-Goof said...

If your not a porn-star, then you don't need fake breasts.

Imperfection is sexy.

And nothing screams insecurity quite like faux-jugs.

Melissa said...

Hold on a minute there, you goofy ass gopher. Why do porn stars need fake breasts?

As a woman, you may not think I'm a good judge, but if given the choice between watching porn with natural women or, ahem, enhanced, I'm watching women with with natural breasts everytime. And if it's an old 1980's movie starring that hairy, hilarious, hung goofball, Ron Jeremy, all the better.

At least natural breasts don't look like hard cones and they bounce nicely at the appropriate moments.

Come on now.

Jessica said...

I don't like watching fake breast porn either, Melissa. They just aren't pretty to me.

However, I have to disagree about Ron Jeremy. I don't care how well hung a man is if he is a very short and hairy ape-man. I won't even comment on his face. I just think he's completely unsexy. I don't even care how good he is with his tongue. Imagine having that man's babies.

I hate ugly dude/sexy woman porn, too. There's just something so unfair about it.

Oh, and 80's porn is funny. The gigantic hair and very tacky, brightly painted plastic nails are distracting.

Melissa said...

Ron Jeremy has not aged well at all. I remember watching movies he was in back in the 80's and he was actually very appealing and very funny in a hairy way. At least in my opinion.

Besides, I think hairy men are way sexier than smooth. Back hair I can do without, but chest hair? Mmm....

Jessica said...

Melissa, I'm not a fan of hairy men. It's interesting to learn that some women like hairy chests. I prefer naturally light body hair. Although, men who shave (especially their legs) are far less appealing than ones who are naturally furry.