Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Folded--Queen of a Broken Heart

My husband left me. He packed his bags and left. He’s been waiting to do it for a long time. He waited until after the holidays. He’s fed up with being suspicious of me. He told me that he loves me and that I’m sexy and beautiful and a good mother, but he doesn’t trust me anymore. The truth is I don’t exactly deserve to be trusted. I’m not sleeping with anyone or physically cheating on him, but as usual I’m searching for men who might make good friends, since I don’t have an amiable connection with my husband.

And honestly, I have been half-heartedly looking for someone who would make a loving, trustworthy, fun and sexy boyfriend or even second husband—and I’m flirting with infidelity.

I’m married to a poker playing addict with a bad temper. He plays cards online almost every evening when he comes home from work, during dinner (If he comes to the table at all he eats very quickly and then runs back to the computer) and after I’m in bed. He plays poker as soon as he wakes up on his days off from work. He even played poker on Thanksgiving, our anniversary (I even opened my gifts while he played cards), Christmas and New Years Eve and Day.

He fucked me under his desk on New Year’s Day while he was playing cards online--twice in fact. A few minutes before our company arrived for champagne brunch, he grabbed me in the kitchen and drug me into the office, while the coffee was brewing and the bacon and sausage were frying. I called out to my daughter to watch the pan. He ripped off my clothes and bent me over the desk. He was on break from a tournament and I was his sex toy while he waited for the dealer to return.

Shortly after our guests left he wanted me again, but he was still in a poker tournament, so he pushed me under the desk. Otherwise I was ignored or treated with a contemptuous air. I’m his little fuck whore. I get under the desk so I can suck his cock while he waits for a good hand and then I get on my hands and knees so he can squirt his seed into me. I’m really good at playing the role of invisible wife until he grows hungry for grabbing at my breasts and ripping off my jeans. Sex with him is really fantastic. Otherwise our relationship is pathetic and sad.

We spoke on the phone yesterday afternoon. We talked about our last dinner and shopping experience together. He treated me like he treats his mom--with seething impatience, cruelty and intolerance. He was temperamental and rude. It was stressful to be walking beside him since I didn’t know what he might say or do next to hurt my feelings or embarrass me.

He’s constantly overtired since he stays up most of the night playing Xbox live or poker and then his mood is extraordinarily childish. He acts like a spoiled five-year-old who has no concept of how he appears to others or makes others feel. I often find myself hating him and then feeling guilty for it.

I cried on the phone with him yesterday. It’s heartbreaking that we don’t like each other anymore. We love each other, but we don’t like each other. We don’t trust each other and we don’t make each other happy.

We share two kids who we adore.

I wish we could have found tender friendship.

I wish he would have offered me warmth beyond what his lust for my body inspired.

I wish he would have hung out with me more instead of playing poker or his other hobbies.

I wish I didn’t feel so lonely in our marriage.

I wish that he wasn’t explosive, abusive and dangerous.

I wish that it didn’t melt me when his deep voice said, “I love you, baby.”, while he embraced me.

I wish that I didn’t find him so physically attractive.

I wish that the fear and pain and anguish that he has caused me was enough to make me fall out of love and lust with him.

I hope that someday I won’t feel like such an unlovable failure.

I’m scared.

I’m heartbroken.

I’m not sure why love and lust wasn’t enough. I know it’s still there for both of us. It’s buried under hurt, mistakes, mistrust and fear.


JacUnivac said...

I am stunned. My view of you is so totally different from what he sees because, although there are a few teasingly delectable photos, I read your passion, wit, sense of humor, style and hear about your pain, that I think he must not even know what he is missing. I feel I am at a crossroads as well (with a young daughter) but my relationship is passionless and uncomfortably but cordially quiet. I know you are a busy gal with lots on your plate but would love to gain a few moments of your insight regarding my parallel but different crucible.

I wish you peace and calm during this storm.

XO, Jac

Yahoo and AIM jacunivac

SCH said...

Jess I am so sorry that you are going through this. Just remember to trust your family and don't be afraid to ask for help. There will always be some guy wanting to help you, but be careful. Please take care of yourself.

Zen Wizard said...

I wish there was some solution that would save your marriage--but that "multi-tasking" stuff you talk about is so bizarre, I don't know how you get around it.

I would really be interested in what a PROFESSIONAL counselor would think of the sex and poker at the same time...Internet addiction? Gambling addiction?? Mixing TWO addictions? THREE, if the sex is included?

I really don't have the answer--maybe if he took you out to a really romantic getaway free from computers and games and focused on just YOU--I don't think it's going to happen, though.

Joe Tornatore said...

sounds like the split was in the cards. cheer up. my prayers and courage are with you.

mcs said...

You know I love you, silly. Now that the wicked witch is gone, and gone FOR REAL, there is one guy out there who promised you his love if you left the wicked witch.

I wonder who that was?

jbgrinch said...

Hey there Jess, I have said it before and I will again now. I am not far away and I am always open to helping a friend. Leave me a message on my blog and I will be happy to talk any time or just to sit and listen. Remember that you have 2 kids who need you more then ever now and. You can gain strength from them, as I do from my kids. My aol screen name is JBGRINCH. Remember that you have friends and family that love you.

TrekMedic251 said...

Sad, jess, very sad. Hopefully you'll move on from this.

Anonymous said...

I see so much of my life in your blog! I wish you the grace you need to find some peace within yourself.