Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Devious Passion

People who left a comment, thanks for taking the time to say what you were feeling. I appreciate it--and your concern.

I write about my life because it helps me examine my reality, which also helps me make better choices.

Your reactions surprise me because I am numb to it after so many years. I am terrified during the moments when he is in a violent rage, but when it's over I can pretend that it didn't happen.

He is extraordinarily sweet and tender at times, which made it all the more shocking when he turned into a monster. I am not shocked anymore, but I’m still usually surprised at the intensity of his anger and his ability to go from 0-100 in about five seconds. I don’t understand that kind of high voltage ferocity. I’ve never felt that way in my life.

I’ve learned to surrender to it and try and coach him down a few notches or to even beg and plead.

After I began telling some of the truth about my relationship to my family, it made me have to accept the truth. Writing about some of the episodes from recent recall forces me out of denial too. It's all part of being honest with myself. I’m forcing myself to see the truth on my computer screen instead of forcing myself to delete certain things.

I was so afraid of the powerful feelings that I had when I thought about it that I just chose not to allow myself to face them. The few times that I did face them I became an insomniac.

At this point, I am mostly past losing sleep over it. I use exercise, writing, reading, watching movies and activities with my kids to look past my less-than-pretty marital issues.

I have planned to leave on many occasions and have even done so a few times. He apologizes, and I see how physically attractive he is--and think about our intense and fulfilling sex life and cannot imagine living without it.

Sex with him feels like I’m kissing a serpent. I feel like I’m sucking on danger and tasting evil parts. I wonder why I’m addicted to it. I wonder how an orgasm can feel so good when it’s laced with contempt for the person who is pushing and pulling my core. I distrust him, but he pierces me with pleasure.

He provides me with plenty of money. He came in second place in a poker tournament last Saturday and he gave me more than half of his winnings. (I paid bills with it because I’m a practical to the point of boring.) He also hands me a generous amount of cash each week to deposit in our checking account.

He’s also the father of my children. I wanted to be a family. I could not imagine ever sharing them—taking turns with them. They are the reasons that make my life important--everyday. I am deeply in love with my son and daughter. I wanted to protect them and provide for them as a unit.

I never gave up hope. I never wanted to quit trying. I tried so hard to be a loving, seductive, supportive wife. I didn’t want to admit that I failed to make him happy.

I am at the point where I realize that even more anger management therapy cannot change his innate temperament.

I love him very much, but I don't feel safe living with him. It makes me very sad.

I don't want to go to a women's shelter. I want to do it on my own. I am hoping that by this summer I will have negotiated a friendly split. I also hope that once we are living in separate homes we can be friends. I am not bitter and I hope that his life will be happier when he is free of me.

I want to move on with my life and find a healthy and sexy relationship with someone who doesn't have a hot temper.

I don’t want to be intermittently afraid and numb anymore. I just want to be a good mother.

5 comments:

jbgrinch said...

I hope that you will take me up on my offer of a friendly ear. You can reach me thru my blog and e-mail address listed there. give me your e-mail that way and Ill send you a phone # you can reach me at. I dont want any more then a friendship as I am married and have 2 kids of my own but am willing to listen or help you if you ask. Anger and guns and physical intimidation make me worry for you. I have followed your blog for a long time and I know that you value your privacy when it comes to how people can reach you. so now it is up to you. My offer and a promise that I will answer only as a friend.

jeremy

Anonymous said...

Whatever you do, keep your kids and your health first and foremost in your line of vision. Great sex is a wonderful thing, but no one has ever died or was bruised or abused (verbally or physically) due to a lack of it.

SCH said...

Jess, I hope you live to see next summer. I lived through what your kids are seeing. Please don't put it off. I think everyone who reads your blog worries for your safety.

Anonymous said...

Jess,

If a man on the street choked you because you bumped into him you would press charges. If a man on the street threatened you to the extent that your son felt he had to stand between you, putting himself at risk, and your daughter was so frightened she started locking bedroom doors, you would press charges. Why is it different with someone you know?

The human body is wonderfully made, but it is also fragile. If your husband had slipped and hit your jugular with enough force or pushed you so you hit your head just so he would have murdered you while your children were in the house. What would become of them then? Where would they go?

You cannot wait until your book is published to leave. Some books never get published and of those that do very few bring in enough money to financially support the author without some other form of income. I know people who have written award winning books. They all have day jobs, at least until the second or third book comes out, and sometimes not even then.

If your father's house is big enough move in with him, or kick your husband out.

Please also keep in mind that in a divorce, if custody is contested, having topless photos of yourself and erotic writings with your picture attached on the Internet where everyone, including your children's playmates, can and have seen them, won't help you.

John said...

John (same John as from before)

I know it might not seem this way, but the sex will be better when it's with someone you really love. He's not talented enough for you, anyway, no matter what he does. I know this because he can bring himself to hurt you.

I'm happy that the collective comments from people who care have moved you to make a more final decision. It beats wishing you could explain to your dead child that the sex was just soooo good, or wishing after you're gone that you could have explained to your family that kissing the serpent made the final bite worth it. It ain't.