tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18996592.post4827452834992599505..comments2023-11-05T07:07:20.561-05:00Comments on SwedeHart Stories II: FeverishJessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16995715937190959162noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18996592.post-81174550872356759602006-11-18T20:16:00.000-05:002006-11-18T20:16:00.000-05:00Hi Jessica. Thanks for visiting my blog.
I liked ...Hi Jessica. Thanks for visiting my blog. <br />I liked your story. As a woman (with a teenager alive inside), and being a sucker for musicians, I felt Jessika's building desire.<br />I agree with everyone who suggested to leave out the descriptions of her friends and focus more on the exchange between Jess and Dylan. <br />I would have loved more dialogue (It can be tough - I am just learning how to write fictional dialogue and having one hell of a time!)<br />One more suggestion, but I am not an expert, by far . . . keep the story in the past tense of "was" rather than changing it to "is." Again, Stewart and Jon know much more than me, but that suggestion is coming from the point of the "reader."<br />Thanks for sharing your story - I am going to see Todd Rudgren in a few days and he does "that" to me! He makes me crazy - and you reminded me!Pythia3https://www.blogger.com/profile/15682761270108828712noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18996592.post-40033980325717783402006-11-17T20:13:00.000-05:002006-11-17T20:13:00.000-05:00Thanks so much for visiting my writing exercise, J...Thanks so much for visiting my writing exercise, J.! Ditto on the feedback -- one thing that was clear to me was you had a lot of fun romping through your imagination, and it shows/was conveyed!<br /><br />Re: the pomegranate seed. I hate to drill into the "what and why" but thought you'd enjoy learning why I picked that particular fruit.<br /><br />1. It does have a translucent crimson that evokes blood.<br />2. The deal was sealed between Persephone and Hades when she ate pomegranate seeds. And I wanted the same intensity and ripple of associations.<br />3. Pluto, the Roman version of Hades, is associated with metal and metallurgy...as well as secrets, the occult, and the unconscious. All of which fit the scene, I thought.<br /><br />The image came first, but the scrap-heap pile of things I've read over the years bubbles stuff up, and then I say..."ooh -- that may be the right thing."<br /><br />Have tons 'o fun this weekend!Lori Witzelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04744273435691506484noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18996592.post-16653605917931370632006-11-17T18:44:00.000-05:002006-11-17T18:44:00.000-05:00If anyone ever wondered what happened after the so...If anyone ever wondered what happened after the song "Killing me Softly," they should read this. <br />"...lick his perfect teeth." Oh, yeah, eat your heart out, Roberta Flack.<br />So, so nicely erotic.<br />A criticism? Lose the catalog of friends. Not needed. Otherwise, very nicely done.Jonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12773667447659795825noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18996592.post-91215017010636607292006-11-16T03:12:00.000-05:002006-11-16T03:12:00.000-05:00Thank you for writing this. I knew when you starte...Thank you for writing this. I knew when you started with the guy and his guitar strings that I would like it. And, yes, like Stu said, it was very hot in those first few paragraphs. I, too, was distracted by the friends because I was just wanting to hear more about the guy and the girl. Good stuff!Susan Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05566328070072489203noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18996592.post-14142686584661767282006-11-13T17:10:00.000-05:002006-11-13T17:10:00.000-05:00You should write a book!You should write a book!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18996592.post-33268212046493068422006-11-13T16:10:00.000-05:002006-11-13T16:10:00.000-05:00You are a smart cookie girl.You are a smart cookie girl.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18996592.post-50083021921991905282006-11-12T10:28:00.000-05:002006-11-12T10:28:00.000-05:00Thanks, Bud. Maybe I will continue the story.
Ste...Thanks, Bud. Maybe I will continue the story.<br /><br />Stewart, You advice is greatly appreciated. I had fun writing it. It just poured out of me as soon as I thought of the scenario.Jessicahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16995715937190959162noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18996592.post-72987314033986443122006-11-12T02:37:00.000-05:002006-11-12T02:37:00.000-05:00There are some good things here.
I posted becaus...There are some good things here. <br /><br />I posted because you put some thought and effort into your blog and it seems that writing is something that you've toyed with. <br /><br />I'll give you some feedback, if it's okay. <br /><br />"He had curly dark hair and a large masculine presence that was inviting to her at a deep level. She immediately felt the urge to lick his perfect teeth."...nice description. Actually...pretty hot description.<br /><br />There is an old saying in some of the writers' groups I frequent: "Show don't tell." I hate this saying, but I know it has some merit. <br /><br />In the start of this sketch, you do just that. You show. Later, you give us information on Lisa, Rae and Kate. I think this might pull away from the tension you create early on. <br /><br />Good work. I hope you enjoyed writing this.Stewart Sternberg (half of L.P. Styles)https://www.blogger.com/profile/00895152179113722902noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18996592.post-26869363176145599802006-11-11T22:23:00.000-05:002006-11-11T22:23:00.000-05:00Well that's well written enough to make me want to...Well that's well written enough to make me want to know what happened next!Budhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00971296540636952118noreply@blogger.com